"Final Fantasy X graphics are so good, you can almost see the variations in the skin cells." -Andy, in a completely serious tone
"Yeah, like her prostate." -Andy, seriously
One day, I was talking about how fat people could imbibe more alcohol without getting trashed. This culminted in the following sentence.
"Yeah, fat people can hold more alcohol, because they have more, you know, stuff.
Mike: "Justin, you're gay."
Justin: "I've been to your house, seen your porn, and it's ALL PENISES."
Mike: "You came to my house and watched gay porn!?
One day, I was really tired, as Mike called me and woke me up. We, for one reason or another, were talking about whether we liked seafood. This culminated in this sentence.
"Well, I like tuna. Wait, is tuna a fish or a chicken?" -Justin
I was talking to Patrick about requirements for the University he attends. He mentions you're required to take 3 Eastern Civilization courses.
Justin: "Why is all Eastern stuff Asia?"
Pat: "Well, there's some African courses."
Justin: "Why those two, why not, you know, Europe?"
Patrick: "So, did you tell Carl how we remember HIS name?" (This is a reference to a "Hot Carl", a term for felching.)
Carl: *shocked look* "WHAT!??!!"
I was at the mall with Mike, and all of the sudden, the city bus drops off about 30 black people, who instantly come in the mall talking LOUDLY. There was one in between Mike and I, trying to get around us, but I kept moving to let her through, right as she was moving there to go around me. I eventually got annoyed, and turn to Mike to make an inappropriate comment. I saw her directly next to me and stop. It's a good thing, too, because my comment was "What is this, Welfare Night?"
Willie vs. Decency In Front Of My Mom part I:
Willie was making a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, and got peanut butter in the jelly. I say "What the fuck, you got peanut butter in the jelly!" He reaches in, with his fingers, and pulls it out. Mike says "What the fuck dude, don't put your fingers in the jelly." My mom walks by right as Willie says "but it isn't my PENIS hand!"
Willie vs. Decency In Front Of My Mom part II:
Willie was taking a crap at my house around 2AM, and for some reason, decides to describe the size and length of his fecal matter. My mom comes down to let the dog outside, and we're all hoping that he's done talking. Willie, all of the sudden, bursts out of the room and says "I need a camera!" He sees my mom, gets a scared look on his face, and runs back into the bathroom.
Willie was sleepwalking, and walks in the room where his dad is, and says "You're a silly clown." and promptly leaves.
Mike: "Man, I was looking through the KaZaA shared folder and saw Andy downloaded 14 year old girl gets raped by Jeffrey.mpg."
Justin: "Sick, what was it?"
Mike: "You know, a 14 year old girl getting raped by Jeffrey."
Willie: "Don't turn out the light, that means it's rape time."
At GenCon2k2, around 3AM, Mike was trying to get Leber out from under the bed, and grabs Leber's shoe and puts it outside. Leber says "I'm going to RAPE YOUR WHITE MOTHERFUCKIN ASS!" in protest.
"That makes me cream my pants. *pause* In a TOTALLY non-sexual way." - Justin
"I'm jerkin' it to Justin and David" -Leber
Justin: "Will you drink the semen, Andy?"
Andy: "Sure, why not!"
Justin(looking at the GE Asako Misao from a distance): "Wow, she's pretty hot!"
Doug: "Dude, that's a GUY."
Justin: "WHAT?"
Doug: "Yeah, dude, that's the naked baby boy from SW."
Justin: "Here Patty, have some Red Hot for your pizza. Hmm, I think I'll use some myself..." (mistakenly grabs open can of Mountain Dew and procedes to pour it on his slice of pizza)
"Yeah, Andy leaves inappropriate shit on the computer all the time. I found a file named ANAL TROUBLE in the Recycle Bin." -Mike
One pastime we have at Andy's house is to draw phallic symbols in the dust that's 1" thick on his TV. Andy was EXTREMELY angry at this one time, and the following two sentences occured.
Andy(to Justin and Leber): "..and THE PENISES! STOP DRAWING FUCKING PENISES EVERYWHERE!"
Leber(to me, quietly): Let's start drawing vaginas.
Later in that ordeal, Andy asks to borrow paper towels from my house, because after he threw his away in a violent rage, he spilled soda. Andy walks off, muttering "God, immature fuckers...God damnit"
Leber then says "For not believing in him, he sure talks to him a whole lot!"
One night, 4AM or so at Kevin's, Randall was watching TV by himself in Kevin's room. There was a phone sex commercial playing on TV. It kept saying "Just pick up the phone..." Eventually it ended and all we heard was Randall, in a very high pitched sleepy voice saying.. "Pick up the phone!"
One day, on EverQuest, Willie decides to send a random tell to Tielien(someone he doesn't know).
Willie: "You're a thug."
Tielien: "I'm not a thug, shut up."
Willie: "Oh but you are!"
Tielien: "DUDE STOP TELLING ME I AM NOT"
This goes on for a minute or so and...
Tielien: "LOOK FUCK YOU FUCK YOUR GANGS AND FUCK THUGS LIKE YOU. IGNORED."
"Man, I've been farting so much, I have piz-oo stains in my underwear." -Patrick
Patrick was running the local store in John's absence, and someone complains that there's CRAP on the bathroom floor. David and I, being bored, go to check it out. Upon returning...
Patrick: "So, was there any piz-oo?"
David: "No, but there was QUITE a bit of piz-ee."
The DDR Chronicles, Part I:
Andy's playing DDR and is hitting the appropriate arrow, and the DDR game is registering it as "Good!" instead of "Perfect!" Andy's getting really perturbed at this. It ends in..
Andy: "There must be a fucking delay in the pad!"
The DDR Chronicles, Part II:
Andy: "Fuck, I missed the backstab!"
Mike: "The... backstab?"
Andy: "You know, when you have to hit the back arrow. That's what they call it in training."
Mike: "Ohh... I just call that hitting the back arrow."
"Yeah, I bought a diamond bag of weed!" -Willie
At GenCon2k2, Mike, Leber, and I were up in Doug's room, and we see mini boxes of cereal and boxes of grape juice. We all instantly drink 3 of these each. While I'm drinking one, David says "WHAT ABOUT THE SEMEN BROWNIES!?" and I spit grape juice all over the floor of Doug's room. One of us, while opening a box of cereal, explode the bag everywhere, so there's crushed cereal and grape juice everywhere. Later, Marek was talking to Doug and this occurred..
Doug: "Look, I don't want you guys trashing my room again."
Marek: "What? I wasn't even IN your room!"
Doug: "Well... well you're friends with Justin, so that makes you guilty by association."
Pat was in the car with Willie, Mike, Andy, and I. Pat proceeds to say, shocking us all...
"Hey, I wonder what colour Willie's pubes are!?
Justin: "Get your hands out of your fuckin' pants!"
Willie: "But it's SO FUN!"
Mike and Aaron were discussing the testicular self-exam video from Health Class in a completely non-sexual manner. Aaron asked if they had sent around the model penis, because girls have model breasts. Mike says that they shouldn't pass around plastic models of penises in class. Andy then abruptly looks up from his book, to shout "THAT'S UBER!" Aaron and Mike immediately begin laughing loudly. Andy stands up, says "God! You guys are so immature!" He then looks at Tim, who was not participating in the discussion, flicks him off directly in his face, and says "FUCK YOU TIM"! and storms off.
"I have white hair. I'm a Crane. It exudes pussy." - Andy
Willie and I were playing SoulCalibur one day, and he proclaims, in his 5AM wisdom, that the first person to get Voldo on random select, is getting a rimjob from Denis(the local gay guy that about 1/2 the group can't stand). It turned out that Willie was the one that ended up getting Voldo.
Justin: "Dude, that means you're getting rimmed by Denis!"
Willie: "Well at least I'm not rimming him!"
Many many months later, I brought this up to Pat in Champaign, who said this:
"At least he can get it clean while he's down there!"
Kevin: "I like the Kolat because I'm all about stickin' it to the man!"
David: "In a totally non-sexual way!"
David, in response to a particularly wet-sounding fart by Justin: "Do you need to wipe?"
This isn't from a member of the locals usually quoted, but this is what someone said while doing the one mile run in P.E.: "Aw man, I hate runnin' the mile! My dick in my sack!"
Patrick: "I like bestiality! Especially dog fucking on petpound.com!"
Justin: "So you played a rousing game of who can hold the most piss in the mouth?"
Hazel: "Well I didn't mind..."
David: "Willie, open your penis."
David: "Now we're all eating Justin's ass and Willie's penis!"
Willie's Dad: "You fuckin' piece of shit, you're not fuckin' getting off this phone until you say that you're a dillhole! Say it! I'm a dillhole! Say it, that's right!"
Jim: "That's me! That's right! *hits chest twice* Jim Bill!"
David: "I like the way her cock hangs out of her underpants."
Hazel on GURPS: "Yeah, but it was actually pretty fun."
Doug on the Indian race: "Yeah, it's like the Indians versus the humans!"
Hazel: "Not when I'm thinking of REIKO, she makes me feel pretty hot."
Mike and Chris were discussing whether the Peacemaker was single-action or not. Andy walks upstairs as this is discussed, and promptly says.. "You mean bolt-action?" .. Mike remarks on the stupidity of that comment of a bolt-action pistol.. Andy then says "What about those pirate guns!?"
Aaron: awh damnit, it's the ass spreads
Andy: I will not let this van be better than me!!!
Andy: I lose at cards because my luck is horrible, because God hates me for being atheist!
Andy: I accidentally dropped a couple of toothbrushes in the pee.
Mike: I don't think you'd laugh if you saw The Brotherhood twice.
Aaron: Actually, I've seen it twice.
Justin: Did you laugh?
Mike: Were you in your boxers?
Aaron: Well, actually, I was..
Willie: Andy was snooping around in his dad's ass.
Willie: There are word combinations - words that just go together! Like daefl and ora, Sponker and cock, and Raw Dog and Brittney.
Hazel: Garbage cans of cum!!!
Justin: Extrem fat girl fuck?
Hazel: Oh, well I saw it...
Matt Rose: I got gang banged by 23 guys today.
David: I'm imagining Andy's pants again, stained with cum!
Willie: I don't have dick!
Hazel: Or perhaps some icy hot niggas!
Willie: I'll suck you dry like a firehose!
Justin: Jimmy naked?
Willie: Only if it's Jimmy Bill!
David: The Harrison homes.
Willie: Those homes look nice!
Greg: Justin, you're gay!
Justin: What the hell Greg, you're gay!
Greg: I am not!
Justin: Yeah you are, you pay Chris for rim jobs!
Greg folds his arms across his chest and says "I don't pay!"
Justin: So you want to fuck Denis?
Willie: err, yeah!
Justin: Pat, I want you to write a 300 word essay on the difference between Incest is Best 8 and Incest is Best 9.
Pat: I haven't seen any of those!
Justin: Weren't you in one?
Pat: NO!
Willie: I WAS!
Justin: Willie, you suck dicks.
Willie: I didn't mean to!
Doug: Naked baby boys! Woot! Naked baby boys! What now!
Hazel: I saw doug's asshole, and thought, "yeah, par for the course"
Justin: So you fuck your mom, right?
Willie: Yeah!
Justin: You just said you smear shit all over yourself!
Willie: At least I don't eat it!
Hazel: I lost to the cock machine.
Hazel: Yeah, Rob(her current crush/boyfriend) kind of reminds me of Augusta!
In reference to above quote:
David: Yeah Willie, Rob's going to come over to your house and shit in your garbage can!!!
Willie: Yeah, I've done UP once!
Me: You blow niggers.
Willie: I didn't mean to!
Willie: I masturbate with my own feces. Only cool people do it!
Kevin: Screws in penises, oh yes!
Willie: I like to feel cum between my toes!
This was at my house at 2:00 AM. It was myself, David, Willie, and Alex, a friend of mine who happens to be Jewish.
Willie had said something stupid...
Justin: You're a dumb fuck, Willie!
David: Yeah Willie, you STUPID JEW!!
Alex: Hey, I'm Jewish!
David: Yeah, but Willie's not, that's why it's funny!
David: Sprite Remix? Remix sounds like rap to me...
Pat: I did queef!
Willie: I am getting my snack on!
Justin: On Brittney's(Willie's sister) pussy lips?
Willie: No!!!
Justin: Why not?
Willie: Because she's not here!
This occurred in Alex's summer school class, while they were watching a movie based in Africa.
Teacher: Why did he hand the baby over?
Random Black Guy: because it had AIDS.
During the Dark Ages frenzy that gripped our school, I was told this happened..
Phil: Yeah, I'm going to hit rank 90 and *claps loudly* straight into daefl!
Justin: Christianity has so many denominations because a long time ago, old men had arguments.
Justin: I'd suck off a cow.
Justin: (in reference to him joking about Pat having sex with his sister) If me or Kevin had a hot sister, we'd admit to it. (pause) Oh wait, get rid of the "me."
(AsakoOnasuke = Justin, Hida Rowin = Kevin)
AsakoOnasuke: fuck i said i'd suck off a cow?
AsakoOnasuke: really?
AsakoOnasuke: i can imagine i'd fuck my sister, but SUCK OFF A COW?
Hida Rowin: that might not be the exact quote, but you said something to that effect
AsakoOnasuke: err .. imagine saying
AsakoOnasuke: damnit
Hida Rowin: QUOTEFILE!
AsakoOnasuke: FUCK YOU!
Justin: So when you sucked your dad's dick...
Willie: I don't want to discuss this.
Pat: I've been blowing ass alot recently.
Hazel on fucking a cactus:
If you take out the thorns, might as well use a cucumber!
Justin: Would you rather have sex with Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings or Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Carribean?
Pat: Pirates of the Carribean, because he'd be more manly!
Justin: Remember that hot girl down by the pool?
Patrick: You mean the five-year-old?
Justin: Nah dude, she was at least nine.
Justin: Hey dude, you know what I was thinking we could go do?
David: Kitties!!!
Willie was sitting in deep thought and all of the sudden he looks up and says, full of wonder - "So Avril was the girl who did ballet!"
Willie: So I was thinking... my dick in my ass!
Willie: I was supposed to type pens, but I typed "penis", because I was thinking of David at the time.
Willie: I woke up with my dick in some guy's ass!
Willie: Banging some dude I can understand, but banging Tina? No!!!!
(Shamelessly stolen from Kevin's page)It's AIM log time!
AsakoOnasuke: DUDE
AsakoOnasuke: Willie called his dad on speaker
AsakoOnasuke: answering machine
AsakoOnasuke: and willie says hi dad i just wanted you to know
AsakoOnasuke: and i say "I'm masturbating"
AsakoOnasuke: and willie HANGS UP
AsakoOnasuke: BWAHHAHAHAHAHA~~~~~~
Justin: So you jerk off to Warlord cards?
Pat: Well, it's not like I have them in front of me or anything; they're in my head.
Me: (laughter)
Justin: Nice hole you've dug yourself there, Pat.
Justin: We should play Vampire. It's as good as L5R, only with fewer gooks.
Justin: IMO, everything is better with Andy naked.
Willie: I'd rather see him banging some dude than banging Tina, because it'd be more hot!
Willie: Hrm.. I shave my pubes other every day...but..my ball hair... THAT, I shave every day!
Willie: I had sex with Steve!
Kevin: I can't wait until I get three BJs from Denis!
Alex: I do eat dicks, damnit!
Justin: Dude, I think Ben's gay. He was talking about gnawing on my balls.
Ben: But he told me to!
Justin: Alex, do you like having sex with your sister?
Alex: No!!!
The group of us is watching American Beauty, the movie says "Tell me about being in the hospital."
Alex instantly responds with "Cum shot ticket, yo!"
Jacob: Why the fuck do all the Japanese things have Tokyo in their title? Tokyo's in China!
Justin: Mr. Snarr was jerking off.
Aletheia: Well, that's good for me!
Rob Nalan: I love fucking fruit snacks!
Alex: I'm pretty passive as a whole...
Justin(jokingly): So I'd be fucking you in your butt?
Alex: Yeah...
The goatse.cx site was changed from the guy opening his asshole to a Halloween graphic.
Alex proceeds to say, "Aw, they changed Goatse, that sucks!"
Justin(in reference to hidden scenes in Fight Club): Wait, was that a penis?!
Alex: No, I think it was just pubes.
Everyone else: YES, IT WAS A PENIS!
Justin: I gotta go back and see that!
After seeing the penis was in fact a penis...
Justin: That was DEFINITELY NOT just pubes!
Alex: Well, I hoped for THE BEST! (implying there are nothing better than man-pubes)
Justin: I'm going to cut off your ass with a knife, Alex.
Alex: Can it go between my butt cheeks?
Justin: Willie, you went through the gay man's ass.
Willie: Yeah, and I won!
Justin: Yeah, Guinness is the shit!
Alex: Well, I only drink wine...
David loaded up Goatse.cx, which was still on its Halloween picture.
The original picture is of a man stretching open his ass hole.
Willie commented on the Halloween version as "Aw, it doesn't even look cool!"
Willie: Alex, wake up you bastard!
Alex: I haven't had any Rockstar!
Willie: Have a cock!
Alex: That'll wake me up!
Justin: Willie, you're a motherfucker.
David: You mean sisterfucker.
Justin: No, that's Alex.
Alex: No, that's Willie. You already know I fuck my sister.
Willie, Alex and I were in the theatre watching the previews before Matrix 3. The preview for Troy comes on.
Justin: That chick is HOT!
Justin: Wait... that's not a chick... that's Orlando Bloom!
Willie: Denis-butt? Shall we?
I wrote "Ben <3 Penis" in Ben's planner. I then changed this to "Ben <3 Dan's Penis"
Ben promptly remarks with "Ewww, I just like it in general."
Alex: I've had orange stuff come out of my ass!
Alex talking about transgendered sex:
It's okay if you don't notice!
I was explaining the dollar discount(for the unenlightened, the dollar discount refers to the practice of getting a dollar off by default on your price of food - at the price of having a ladle of pee dripped on your food. You would have to say "No Pee" to not get the dollar off.) to Patrick.
He then said "Can I get double pee and get 2 dollars off?!"
(David's kneejerk response upon his first viewing of the tubesock scene in American Pie) Aww, his dick is SMALL!
Justin: The only thing Jimmy(Pat's brother) ever got from that family was Pat offering him a chippy and a dicky.
Pat: Well, he deserved it!
Ben: I wish all penises could be birthday penises.
Willie: My pubes are special...they're only for Patrick!
Alex: I want to see the sausage!
Alex: This snow is crusty, like the semen after it gets on my pubes, after I leave it there.
Willie: You could have made this easy, David, but now you got Reiko-cunt and shit!
Alex: I was just thinking about that... the O-Ring.
Andy: I'm glad I've lost some weight. Before, when I went down to pee, I had to just "Guess and Grab."
Alex: I had an awesome dream last night, it was about Willie.
Alex: It's hard to do... you have to stick it in there and have him not notice.
I was explaining to Robbie the content of a disgusting picture someone sent me - a female spreading her legs with both a vagina and a scrotum... His response?
"What, no dick!?"
Alex: It could be my pants, I've had a lot of ass sweat today. (Referring to the bad smell in the room.)
Willie: Too much shaving cream, not enough balls.
Malia: I'll come over just to see the ass to ass.
Kevin: If we were going to roleplay tonight, I would have brought over Fat Fantasies.
Justin: Hey, Pat, I need your opinion on this fat porn.
Pat: I have had shit in my hand! At work! When I was digging around in the urinals...
In response to Robbie saying the transsexual picture had no dick: "That's unfortunate" by Pat
Pat(in response to "There's a delay in the pad") - Maybe your fat ass damaged all the sensors - I don't think it was meant to handle people of your girth.
Robbie: I'd take the shit if we could put it in Pat's penis.
Someone: Ass sex with Denis... Kevin interrupts with "Oh, that reminds me!"
Willie: Mmmm... swallowing David.
Pat was on Rate My Boner.com, since a nefarious soul set it as the home page for my second computer. Pat says "Aww!" and covers the penis up with his hand.
He then reads the comments which insinuate that the penis had warts.
Kevin says, "Ooh, let me see!"
Pat(loudly, in public): I do like the Nazis!
Katie: I love Hitler! He was cool!
Katie: Now fucking sheep I can understand, sheep are awesome.
I was explaining a spam e-mail someone signed me up for that contained horse porn to a few people in class.
Melissa chimed in with "Those things are huge, oh my god, I used to have a horse!"
About 20 minutes after Pat said the aforementioned "digging around in the urinal" quote, he said "Yeah, it was the women's urinal too. Oh wait, there isn't a women's urinal."
Pat: Gay sex! Make it hurt!
Justin: Check it out Kevin - fat porn, granny porn, and penis porn!
Kevin: I have to come over there for that.
Kevin: Hmm... I want ass slaves.
Justin: Some guys like to get fucked in the ass.
Alex: It might be something new if you got bored.
Alex: I'm sad.
Justin: Because you suck cocks in hell?
Alex: Not in hell.
Willie: I wanted to suck his cock and he wanted to suck my cock and we sucked each others' cocks.
Melissa: I'm Swedish, not white.
Katie: I searched for Golden Girls on KaZaA, and got "Girl Pees On Girl."
Malia: That was a good show.
Robbie: I'd rather have a pack of cards than a BJ.
Robbie: If you want to see my hot cock, just ask.
Justin: It makes me sad that Alex admitted to fingering his asshole.
Alex: Well, I didn't do it consciously.
Pat: Those are some big, beautiful balls!
Pat: Oh, I found a picture of that guy's dick!
Pat: I do have a CD of fat porn, and kiddie porn.
Justin: Patrick, I would send you Zilvia's picture but you might do something very inappropriate with it.
Patrick: Oh really? As a matter of fact I did something inappropriate twice today.
Justin: Lovely, did you use a Kleenex?
Patrick: No, I did it in the sink! I always do it there.
Justin: Who's the best lay: Pat, Brittney, or your dad?
Willie: Pat.
We were discussing this, and Willie then said "No, it was Brittney!"
Alex: So here's a question... say I was buying poop to eat and...
Alex: Hmm... my ass doesn't smell bad today.
Alex: (to Willie) and titties, you got some titties... (Alex proceeds to grab Willie's breasts.)
Alex: ...and her hair is FILLED with cum!
Alex then tried to defend his earlier cum-in-the-pubes comment with "it's not there for people to see!"
Willie was trying to complain about why he was losing to Alex at Halo.
He said "This is unfair, because I only have one ball." (Note: There were not balls in Halo, this isn't a double-entendre... he really meant it)
Willie: I just might win... the sucking dick competition.
Justin: (Gesturing to a tent in Alex's house) Do you rape your sister in there?
Alex: I'm not raping her!
Katie: You can have the dick, I'm all about the balls.
Malia: God bless the menstrual cycle!
Ben: You say chode, I'm ready to go.
Malia: Where does one find fat porn?
Kevin: It's actually a magazine I bought.
Justin: Would you still be a slave to Master Bubba if a Mistress wasn't available?
Alex: Well, I don't know.
Robbie: Free gay black men. It's not so bad!
Alex: Why don't you stick your head in my ass?
Robbie: So I was shitting, and wiping my ass, and it was inconvenient. So he handed me a chicken wing!
Alex: Is that when I had the penis on my palm?
Robbie: Hand! Penis! It works!
David: It didn't sound like a sound made by an ass.
Kevin: I cast "Speak With Animals" on the cat.
David: The cat can now speak with animals.
Robbie: I didn't know that came with pee.
Kevin: Well, I peed in it.
GaladrielsSlave: try "I fuck lots of ass with whipped cream and lobster"
GaladrielsSlave: or something
worrmaggot: no
worrmaggot: the lobster would turn me off
Willie: I need my shoelaces so I can play some bondage!
Willie: This might be a little too stretched out.
Justin: Like your asshole?
Willie: Like my asshole. Oh, I think it is.
Alex: Why'd they have to put something like that on there? He's wearing almost nothing!
Me: It could be gay sex instead.
Alex: That wouldn't be much better!
Alex: I don't use lube... except....
Justin: In her butt?
Alex: In my butt.
Robbie: All cheese is good cheese.
Justin: What about dick cheese or butt cheese?
Robbie: Depends on who's dick and who's butt!
Robbie: How do you pass up cum?
Justin: Robbie said "It's a really good picture."
Robbie: I was talking about the baseball bat in the butt.
Angela: oh no. i found a pic of my mom holding me apparently at some political rally -- when i was like 5, and there i am, holding a sign that says "HAVIN' A GRAND OLE' TIME WITH THE G.O.P."
Justin: Would you rather be known for being in the G.O.P. picture or fucking a 9 year old?
Angela: 9 year old boy or girl? Wait, nevermind.
(Background: Willie and Randall are walking home from McDonalds on a chilly August morning.)
What Willie meant to say: Hey Randall - I'm cold, gay!
What Willie said: Hey Randall - I'm gay!
Willie: I play some bondage... with Reiko.
Alex: I think I'd rather have an Andy than an Elizabeth!
David: Where's the finger in the ass?
Kevin: It's not on there.
David: It's on my hard drive.
Kevin: It's on my hard drive too!
Alex(speaking about Angela's aforementioned GOP incident) You guys were talking about a grand old time with the G.P.O...
Alex: The dude is going to come over, like with his balls out, and rape me.
Pat: Yeah I played "Swords" with my dad!
Justin: Didn't you just eat cum?
Robbie: Yeah.
Justin: And now you're eating a PayDay?
Robbie: Got to wash the taste of cum out of my mouth.
Kevin: I think I'll take the Hannity gay porn.
Robbie (while watching gay porn): Why is that guy wearing a hat?!
David (to Robbie): You have a giant penis.
Willie: I'd wear the buttplug if it was +1 AC!
(During a D&D game - 2:30AM)
Justin: Elizabeth crawls out of your inventory and has sex with you.
Robbie: Do I get a condom?
Justin: No. Roll system shock.
Robbie: 28%, I pass.
Kevin: Did you successfully come in her hair?
Robbie, David, and I proceed to debate how one would roll the attack for coming in someone's hair.
David said it would be a ranged touch attack with a called shot to the hair.
Robbie asked for the AC of hair.
Robbie rolled a '19'.
David: *after looking for 5 minutes in a Player's Option book* Skull crushed, immediate death, triple damage dice.
Justin: We are the biggest fucking geeks on this planet.
Robbie: I'm on the floor because Big Dick Dale's in bed with Alex.
Alex: My cock stacks on your cock!
Alex: When I was little I wanted to be a fireman so I could be in the gay porns as a fireman.
David: So many pop-ups! I can't tell if that's her dick or not.
Alex: Be a man! Use your hand!
Alex, later, on the Andy vs. Elizabeth quote: But jail people do it! [referring to butt sex]
Alex(getting more hostile in an argument): There's NO "L" in Angela!
Willie's Dad: You'll be waiting outside?
Willie: Yeah.
Willie's Dad: Good, then you can start squirting.
Robbie: I'm taking his pubes and crafting a basket.
Alex: So I got up this morning, tried to jerk it, and couldn't.
Pat: This sack is disgusting. It's got shit all over it. (pauses) That's because it's black!
Alex: Your ass, my mouth! Err, I mean, your mouth, my ass!
Alex: Give me half of your Slim Jim.
Justin: Shove it in your asshole first, Willie.
Alex: No, shove it in your penis.
Alex: If you did that, I'd eat it.
Robbie: That's the most retarded reason to fail a class ever. Playing EQ instead of doing your term paper.
Justin: No, you could be jerking off with your own shit instead of doing a term paper.
Robbie: At least you'd be jerking off.
I was talking about dumping some chicken wing bones on Robbie, and he proceeds to announce "If you do that, I'll fuck you!"
Alex: I just joined in the gay festivities.
Justin: Are we gonna go gay?
Kevin: Yeah, I'm going to have to go gay.
Dan: I have just decided... it's time to show you guys my cock.
Michelle: Wait... who are you? Justin? Justin... you're a sexy beast! (pause) Brittney... you're a sexy whore!
Robbie: Hot and crusty in minutes! Just like Pat!
Pat: I'd rather have an Arabic dictionary shoved up my ass than take the Arabic final.
Justin: David got Andy naked dryads.
Pat: What a great visual image.
Robbie: I think I got cockslapped by Big Dick Dale.
Alex: (to Pat) Look how wet I am!
Pat (while watching gay porn): This is a good gay movie.
Pat (while watching gay porn): Aww, he's got a weird lump on his balls.
Mike S.: Slap your dick on that! Let me feel that! Woo!
On a forum called "Spank Forum", a poster named Violet__Eyes posted a list of things she enjoyed. This included anime porn, homophrodites, feminine guys, guys with makeup, and watching gay guys.
Alex responds with: OMG Violet__Eyes THAT IS AWESOME......Those fetishes are some of my favorites.. well.... not that many but i must say a few are on my top lists. I less than three you now =D
Pat: I do have a sloppy pussy.
Kevin: I have an idea. We can inject Coors (Light) into Alex's penis, and I can suck it out!
Robbie: That's not a soda, prepare for me to touch your cock.
David: We are now cock-brothers by way of burrito.
Justin: I get first dibs on Angela.
Alex: Well, I get first dibs on Andy.
Alex: Maybe my ass isn't big enough for its dildo.
Pat: I don't want to go on the free tour. Aww, she's poopin'! (3 minutes later) Aww! Used cock rings! No!
David: I bet I could pray with ben-wa beads.
Smithee Awards Host(Origins 2004): The next prize winner will have to blow the bunny.
Pat: No, I touched my brother's undies.
Pat: Aww, why am I going to analbeads.com?
David: I'd rather have it on my chin than in my mouth.
Justin: (link to Coke Can In A Butt)
Aaron: Now is that Coke2 or regular?
Justin: (shows Suzie This picture.)
Suzie: Aww, just pretend it's Angela. She's small.
Justin: I do like playing chess.
Patrick: in your butt!
I was at Pat's one fateful day and I clogged his toilet. I informed him rather apologetically, and he responded "Dude, that toilet can't handle poop!"
So now whenever I'm there, I ask if the toilet can "handle poop." He one day informed me that the toilet in his dad's bathroom can, but has a strange brown ring on the seat.
He said he "wouldn't recommend non-Green family members pooping in that toilet."
Mark(M): It was funny to say something completely off the wall like that in a room full of conservative type people.
Justin: You mean like you fucking sheep?
Mark: That came up a few times.
Alex(to Angela): You look good, but I wouldn't have sex with you.
Angela was understandably upset by this, and was telling David and I about the incident.
David remarked that "Talking to Alex is often a lose-lose situation."
Mike(Roommate): So the gay porn, that reminds me of this convention.
Hazel: I don't think you'd be able to take my Holocaust Film and Lit class.
Hazel: You'd laugh too much.
Mom: If I was going to have sex with a 12-year-old, that is not what he'd look like.
Dan: You said they'll make fun of me if I don't dress up. (as a woman for Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Justin: Come on man, that's guys dressed up as girls making fun of you. That's like being made fun of at the small penis club for being too big.
So Robbie had promised me he'd come drink with us on Fall Break. I call him and he's SLEEPING! He says he's too tired. So Nicki manages to seduce him over the phone. After she hung up, she left to go get something from her house. She closes my door, opens it again, sticks her head in and says "Hey, if Robbie gets here before I get back, don't tell him I'm fat and married. Bye!"
Alex: Hey, puke porn is okay with me.
David: I can't help but grab my penis!
Nicki: So, dog-on-dog or dog-on-human?
Alex: David, get in my butt.
Alex: I'm scanning my shit sex.
Nicki: (runs up to Malia and grabs her arm) We're going to Justin's to look at his penis!
Alex (while looking at a gallery of gay shit porn): I've seen that one!
David: Oh, Alex is talking again.
Justin: David, I love you for comments exactly like that.
David: And you hate Alex for exactly the same reason!
Mike(roommate): That sounds like an excellent idea! Let's go in there and start shitting all over the place!
Robbie: I love her prostate.
Robbie: Remember that horse porn picture we had?
Robbie: No, you shoved it up my ass!
Nicki: Yes, I love grabbing other women's vaginas.
Dan: If I pull down my pants, I'll touch Greg with my ass.
Dan: While I was masturbating I was reading the Blizzard terms of agreement.
Mike(CCM): I love it when 5 guys fuck me in the ass at once.
Scott: I don't care about the vodka, just the penis.
Mike(CCM): It's like I'm masturbating, except I don't have to touch anything.
Scott: Get your ass out of my ass.
Karina: I like my ball hair too.
Scott: I have a pen, not a penis.
Mike(R): Your fart smells good, get your ass in my face.
Crunchy (to Josh): Stop cramming the Crave Case in my butt!
Karina: So you're a woman.
Mike(CCM): What's your point?
Mike(CCM): Wow! It's the first black guy I've ever seen! Oh my God, look!
Josh: So, I'm at Temp End[Temporary End of an insanely hard riddle game]... (Josh opens a Bible) It only took.... the FUCKING BIBLE!
Pope: I've always grown up around balls, I just love playing with balls.
Justin (loudly at a pizza place): Wow! Look at how crisp these singles are! I could sniff a line off a hooker's ass with these!
Karina: It's perfect, just like the ball hair was.
Mike(CCM): (said seriously, trying to assure a gay male friend of mine) I don't blame the gays for AIDS, I blame the bisexuals for giving it to girls.
Mike(CCM): If I had a boyfriend, it'd probably be Justin.
Scott: I've already seen this gay shit porn!
Mike(CCM): I just almost had a giant metal rod shoved up my ass!
Mike(R): I think I know why PW encounters so many unreasonable proteters. All the smart reasonable people join you guys.
Mark(M): I've seen enough horse porn in my day.
Mike(R): (Mark had just spilled a glass of chocolate milk.) See, if that would have been a glass of pizza, it wouldn't have spilled.
Josh: Horse porn is hot.
Scott: You can't go to 7E without horse porn.
Josh: After being in that bathroom, it reminds me of that time I gave Blake a flumpy in there.
Justin: That's one granny porn I wouldn't mind seeing.
Pat: I'll pay for sex eventually.
Brad: I have to show you these amazing skidmarks!
Josh: You know how religious people say God lives within all of us? Well I'm convinced that when you eat White Castle, he leaves.
Pope: (while viewing the 12.11.04 - Karina Got Drunk pictures) It's amazing that Chris Jones didn't come down and break this up...wait....
Pope: It may be delicious, man! Have you ever ate his ass?! You don't know!!
Colin: I'd masturbate to him if I were gay.
Josh: Scott, you want to go give yourself an enema? I've got one.
Justin: You're a fag.
Mike(CCM): No, I'm curious!
Mike(CCM): It's not bad to take pictures of girls while they're sleeping.
Crunchy: I don't want to wake up to a hot butt.
Josh: Enough talk about my lack of penis.
Crunchy: Don't pull on my nut hair!!!
Crunchy: I'm a big blue girl, and I'm up for anything!
Crunchy: Syphilis... it sounds so erotic...
Crunchy: Just you wait... I'm going to wait until you least want it, and then I'm going to rape you!
Mike(R): Yeah, it looks like it's nice and hard too.
Scott: I always poop in the sink.
Josh: That's you? God, clean it up!
Mike(R): I got a great idea. Next time they(points at suitemates' room) clog the toilet or use all the toilet paper, we shit in their sink.
Josh: Yeah, cause my butt is red and gooey all the time.
Justin: Scott, put your dick away!
Scott: Just a second!
Scott: Somehow my dick ended up in it.
Chris: Hey sexy babe, I want to poop real bad.
Crunchy: Scott, that's seven days' worth of pwning you in the pooper!
Crunchy: Oh blast it, I'm undressing you! Take it off!
Josh: What the hell, this penis is in my mouth.
Josh (sent on an AIM chat on a laptop while pooping): wireless internet is a godsend... It lets us fuck around even when we're POOPING!
Josh: I've never been so turned on by someone saying nigger.
Ben: If anyone here's a nigger, it's me!
Scott: Didn't you see that, that was the best blowjob I ever gave.
Josh: Kelly and I are anal sex buddies.
Chris: I like the black lady from Gone With the Wind, but I don't like black people.
Mike(R): Yeah, I could have got some water, or peed under their[our suitemates'] door. It's basically the same thing.
Scott (to Crunchy): You're possibly still gay, but you definitely want to fuck me!
Ben: Swastikas are cool.
Ben: I like my own poop smell.
Scott: I've never seen this ejaculating butt plug.
Crunchy: My that toilet is disgusting, if I sat on that, I'd have to take a dust mop to my butt.
Scott: I'm kind of jealous Crunchy has a blue 12" jelly double dong and I don't.
Mike(CCM): Oh God, I'm touching his penis.
Mike(CCM): Usually you don't have to blow these this hard.
Mike(CCM): If you're eating an ice cream pop, it doesn't mean you want a penis.
Josh: Some of these Nazis are hot.
Scott: You should really only eat your own cum.
NEW QUOTES BELOW THIS LINE
Alex: Dude. I'm convinced that Peoria somehow makes me jerk more dogs off. I guess it's just the lack of shit to do.
Josh: Oh, horse porn! We were going to look for gay horse porn!
Kelly: Brandon's single now, so that means we can have sex!
Josh: ...but you're not.
Kelly: Oh...whoops.
Josh: Soap plus poop equals explosion!
Josh: You know what your penis smells like.... you know what your penis TASTES like!
Dan: Instead of a camcorder, you have horse porn and dog porn.
Justin: Why don't you braid Alex's hair?
Malia: Because I don't want to touch Alex.
Alex: Dude, that was the camp where people were sticking their dicks in people's mouths and taking pictures, and there was this picture of this dude stretching his balls. That's also where I met the guy with Tourette's who couldn't stop saying "nigger." ...We couldn't go ANYWHERE. And the camp advisors told us to stop jerkin' off...
David: That means there was an incident of someone getting caught jerkin' off!
Alex: ...that was the worst camp ever, I swear to God.
